my new crib set!!! LOVING IT!!! mmm... i might need to walk back across the hall and look at it in real life again!!!
what i woke up to. not posed, not planned. it's just sitting on his dresser like this. just how he's thrown stuff up there. but it seemed like the most perfectly posed photo for today.
i did a lot of thinking today. we are getting ready for a seven month deployment. it's about average for the navy. it's (thankfully) not a year, but not as short as some. he's on a ship, so we can email, and call occasionally. and even Skype when he's in port. he's not on a sub where he can't communicate. he's not on the ground somewhere where there is more Skype availability.
the things i hate when he's gone... washing the sheets for the first time. cause then his smell is gone. it's just the smell of clean sheets. (which i know, is great to some!!!) or when i finally can't smell him on the tshirts he left me anymore. cause then it hits that he's really gone.
when i realize that we have eaten out almost every night... because it's just not fun to cook for just the kids. and it's nice to get out of the house. or that i run the dishwasher/washing machine so much less, because there is less of everything.
when nora asked today, "is daddy coming home today? is he coming home in 100 days?" and i realized that when he really leaves, it will be for a lot longer than 100 days. and that was the longest she could think of!
when i stare at the clock at 11:23 pm and wonder why i am still awake, but it's just not fun to climb into that big bed by myself. and i STILL don't spread out, but sleep in my same spot. even though i could.
when i realize that he will miss my birthday. james' birthday. his birthday. nora's birthday. our anniversary. all of summer break. the first day of school. so many of christopher's firsts. boring things. family dinners. beach days. snuggling in bed. runaway train.
when something happens, barring a life threatening crisis or family death, i can't just pick up the phone and call him. i wait by the phone for it to ring. and like tonight, it doesn't. comms are down. or something. wonderfully, we can email back and forth. but a lot of times, even that is down. and there isn't always warning. decisions have to get made without his input. life goes on.
a DEAR, DEAR friend wrote an awesome blog post a few months ago about life without hubby. i was going to pull out bits and pieces, but it's just so good. it's her life, not mine, but it so rings true. the life without a husband. and i echo what she says at the end about being so fortunate to love a man so much that i miss him this much. that i would rather have him next to me. that i have someone i get to miss.
and i am so thankful for the man i married. who he is. what he does. he is truly my hero. along with the men and women he stands beside. and i am so thankful for my friends. the ones who listen to me cry. who understand what i am going through. who can't even imagine. who call, pray, visit, email. without fail. without judgement. who know that when i am sad over an 8 day underway when their hubbys' are gone for months and months, they still give me a shoulder to cry on.
the military is hard. for him. for me. for our kids. but i wouldn't trade it for the world.
A typical day around here goes like this: Baby wakes up and I feed him. If JW is still sleeping I spend time with God. If he's awake I make him breakfast. I eat. JW finishes breakfast and asks if I will play with him. We play. The baby gets fussy -- it's time for his nap. I lay him down. I shower. JW and I play some more. I try to throw a load of laundry in -- there's always a load to do. Jeffrey excitedly plays with a toy and goes into my room where the baby is sleeping (he loves to play in my room) half of the time this wakes the baby up. He wakes up happy, but it short lived if his nap was disturbed. I try to make a phone call -- a Dr. appt., returning a call, following up with a friend. Or maybe my man calls. Inevitably, JW needs help, or has something really (REALLY) important to say, the baby gets fussy, you know. All while I am trying to ask Jeff's opinion on JW's pre-school we enrolled him in, assuring him I really am totally fine after surgery, following up on a letter I need from his command, discussing what we are doing with our SD property that will be vacant in a week, updating him o what the kids are up to, telling him about the sermon on Sunday, trying to read the Bible, or pray. All while his phone is cutting out and each of us have repeated ourselves more than a handful of times. He asks if JW is awake and wants to talk -- JW doesn't want to talk. I hear his sadness. I try to reassure him that he loves him so much and talks about him all the time. That it's not his fault, it's the phone frustrates him. He knows these things, but it still stings. My heart breaks. We finish our call, say our I love you's and I pray I get another call. We run errands if we need to, go to the Children's Museum, the park, the pool, a friends house. Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness, and Self Control are enforced all throughout the day. Those are the fruit of the spirit that we strive to earn each day. JW knows them all and we talk about our actions/attitude and if we are reflecting those important qualities. The rest of the day consists of meals being prepared and consumed as well as me sustaining the life of our littlest boy. He's a little piggy. He's an efficient eater, which is great. But there is always at least one of his feedings that is consumed while I am doing something else. Cooking, playing a game, wiping a bottom, pushing a shopping cart, driving -- totally kidding! Dinner time, what to make? I'll eat an apple and some peanut butter, Jeffrey can have some waffles and fruit. Baby has a blowout, no big deal, it's almost bath time. Bathe E, while JW plays. Bathe JW (if it's a bath night). Dry him off and get his jammies while feeding E (he eats the minute he's dried off and dressed.) E finishes eating. I wrap him up and lay him in bed. He goes to sleep on his own. I finish helping JW get on his pj's. We brush teeth. If he didn't bathe, I wash his face, hands and feet. I read him a story. We talk about our day and what we have planned for the next. We pray and he asks me to snuggle with him. I do. It's often the first time I've relaxed all day. I turn on his music and close his door. Our day is over. Phew, the kids are down for the night. TIme for some me time. That consists of many different things. The usuals on the list are: cleaning, reading, emails, facebook or blog stalking (you do it too, haha), sending J photos and videos of the kids, showering again (since I've likely been spit up on or pooped on), keeping up the baby books/funny things JW says journal, taking a bubble bath (rare, but occasionally happens), catching with a friend, praying, replying to old texts, etc. You get it. I stay up waaaay too late enjoying the quiet and the time with myself. It's my time to decompress, reflect, set goals, think. I love it. And it's during those times I think about how much I love being a mom. Yes, it's hard work. It's all day, every day. No time clock to punch. It's chaotic and stressful at times. Yes, I get impatient. I get tired of changing every diaper, making all the meals, doing all the laundry, answering every (single) question. But the reward is greater than anything I can ever imagine. I have been trusted with two of God's precious children. I have a huge responsibility to nurture their spirits, protect their hearts, guide their paths, model God's never ending, unconditional, pure love. Wow! How can you even wrap your mind around that gift? And on top of that I get to be the wife of an amazing man who loves the Lord more than anything else, which makes his love for me and his children a close second as far as gifts go. Despite the thousands (and I mean thousands) of miles between us, he is such an amazing father and husband. I work with JW on scripture memorization and J will take a video of himself reciting new verses for JW to learn. He's animated and there is so much love in his voice. He writes me love letters and misses me to the point of tears. But, it's like we've always said -- we feel so blessed to love one another so much that the distance is so painful. You wouldn't miss someone that you didn't love and cherish with all of your heart. We still joke and can finish each other's sentences. I can hear his smile and tell by the tone of his voice when something is wrong. He knows when to ask what's on my mind and he listens to the song of my heart. I am so blessed to wake up to the smiles of our children. To see his beautiful blue eyes in theirs. I am patiently waiting until we are blessed to all be together again. What a day that will be!
A side note: I don't think my life is more challenging, interesting, or important than anyone else's. It's simply different -- just like your lives are probably different than mine or people you know. I think a beautiful part of life is sharing with others. The good stuff, the hard stuff and all the in between. So, for those of you that wanted a small glimpse into our lives during this season, there you have it.
One more side note: If some grammatical genius wants to edit this post, have at it. I know it's full of run-on sentences and lots of misused commas (comma's?). Good night!!
Love you all.
xoxo
